Every year I find myself in front of a new perspective. A perspective to improve myself. This year I realised I need to grow up. I need to grow up by removing my old negative pattern. Some behaviours of mine are contradictory to whom I want to be. I have been thinking deeply about it and taking one step at a time to change myself. Now I am realising that the way we see the world has a great impact on our behaviour. People like me are very much protective of ourselves and that causes us to be over careful about our safety. We keep detecting threats whenever we can’t explain simple things.

But, question is: are we always in danger? or we have this habit of detecting danger for trivial matters? In my case it is mostly trivial nowadays. And that is what I want to change. That is what is coming on my way of becoming the higher version of myself. That is the reason I am unable to respect myself the way I want to. I am feeling it is the right time for my inner child to grow up and understand not every situation is a threat. I have recently started watching videos on the topic of CPTSD complex and understanding the root cause. Trying to understand the fact of Long Term memories and their impacts on my present life. It indeed has a deep impact and by knowing that I have also realised I need to change the fundamental threat detection tendency of my brain. After all I am not always in danger and even if I am, I am a grown up woman who can protect oneself.

Because of the same reasons I am also understanding why I never believed I can trust anybody, anybody would ever love me the way I need, or anyone would choose to stick to me forever. It all depends on how we perceive our world. When we do not trust a thing, it clearly means we trust exactly the opposite of that fact. Believing that I can’t trust anybody has made me a person who fears trust. Believing that nobody would love me stopped me to see who loves me.

Since the realisation has happened, I am continuously trying to figure out what exactly I should start doing and finally decided to write it down over here:

1. Trust everyone close to you: my brother says trusting someone saves you a lot of energy which you might waste by mistrusting and feeling bad about it. It is easier to trust someone than mistrusting them.

2. Love hard, love unconditionally: giving love and receiving love from the same person is so healing. Love at least one person unconditionally no matter what happens next.

3. Take care of your wounds and be compassionate towards yourself. Remember your past wounds are past, leaving them will liberate you and let you enjoy this present as well as future. Because at the end of the day every practice becomes our habit. Nourish yourself as you would do for your own own child. Be compassionate towards the person you are as you have been there for yourself.

4. Be conscious about your behaviour, discard or modify any past behaviour which is trigger based. Take deep breath instead of talking about something negative. Try to give yourself time until you find a positive story on the same context. Instead of reacting, think about the negative consequences could happen if you are wrong. We destroy our relationships by being carried away because of our triggers. We need to stop it and rewrite it.

5. Acknowledge the fact that your mind thinks the negative story at first. So each time you try to build up a negative story, your acknowledgment would remind you to think about a positive story.

I am hoping to get more clear methods to improve myself and see the transformation. The journey isn’t easy but not impossible. I will make it happen. I am looking forward to see the positive changes. Lots love to me and others like me.